I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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