$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Randomize
