Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
it glows. i had to have it.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
