my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
