Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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