i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
