I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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