Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
