you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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