my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Semen is not good for contacts.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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