My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Randomize