Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Randomize