I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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