i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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