Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Randomize
