this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize