Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
