Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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