I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Randomize
