is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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