no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I will be naked everywhere
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
