Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
