So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
