hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
There's even glitter on my cock...
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
