Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize