I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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