My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
my sisters under your porch take her home
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
