Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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