I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
