It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
