put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
