The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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