So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
