I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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