If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
