ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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