Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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