I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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