I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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