You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
