You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
