so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize