I wish I could teleport
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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