my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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