Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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