I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
