Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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