Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
