Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
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