So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
