i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
