Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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