my phone needs a breathalizer
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
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