He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
