If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
