How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
