If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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