I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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