Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
