OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Text me some of your sweat
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