Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
