Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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