Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
