He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
