sarcasm needs its own font
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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