One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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