we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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